i dont want anybody to read, but i need to write it in somewhere anybody can read….? i expect a lot of english mistake for in fact not a native speaker. i truly hope nobody reads it, but i needed to write it down. i think i am much better in fact. i was really bad, and now i can see somthings. well, lets see the next chapters
i recently broke…uh no it is not recent, it has been practically a year that i broke up with my ex. the reason i had were that the relationship was suffocating me. It was all about him. we could only see each other on the weekends, and we HAD to see. But this seeing was me going to his house and watching him doing his projects to the college, because as he used to say “they are really difficult of doing and it’s not something that can be done over night” (he goes to products design? i go to graphic). when we started, he was dating. the first time i made ou with him i was drunk, i had just met him (i also go to digital design and he used to go too) it was amazing, although i used to do our projects, anyway, he gave up this course. I also let him go out with his friends, for the reasons i do not think it’s right for someone to suffocate another in such early days of relation. gee, i forgot telling, after i found out he had a gf, i told him the best thing was to break up with her, since he wasnt in love with her anymore; was making out with other; was flerting with me; i should have known batter, i just did not tink he would break up with her. now i see it wasnt love, but his need of having someone with him. i dont wanna go to our all relationship, but those habits, his being egocentric, never mattering my needs, my plasure, he made of oral sex something terrible, i had to give him bj, at first i liked, in the end, not so much. thank god i only had sex once, and i wanted it to end from the start.
i had things i liked, but i dont know if they are just me being needed or that he gave me confidence for what i know i could had him helping me and being in control. i just couldnt trust him anymore. i found out he had made out with a friend of mine a year after it happend. we were at the begining so i forgave him, but i never trusted him again. he used to sing to me, and before we go to bed, we used to talk over the phone and sing to each other…i miss this the most, and his hugs. the kissing wasnt that good as far i remeber. i broke up with him after i spent the new year with his family and decided i did not want not to be with my family. he never liked my family, he is rude.
i broke up and i supported him. he used to call me crying and i helped him, i got so stucked on helping him, that i couldnt be with anybody else. i did not want to hurt him. i discovered in a party he had been with a girl, but he did not like her. he told me that being with her only remined him of how great was being with me. we started going to the movies. there we used to hold hands and it felt as normal, as it should felt. after 7 months he starts to treat me diferently. he tells me this girl from nyc (his mother’s friend’s daughter) and he HAS to take her out. i know from that moment he was seeing her, and he denied. he takes her to a bar, only the 2 of them, and i start feeling jealousy. why? i used to ask him for us to go to a bar alone, and he used to say “it’s kind of weird…huh? dont you think?” we would go out with his friends, but most of the times only he would. and he used to drink, and i hated it, he would only kiss me hard and talk to his friends and i got frustrated AHH. well, after a month, this girl go back to nyc and i decide to use his facebook password. i not only find out he is secretly dating her, as a boyfriend, but he is going out with a girl from his college. and i know that the reason why he doesnt answer me more, or say he is not on but he is, is because of them, and all i wanted wasnt his love, but he telling me about his day, the news from the class, and he being interested in me. becausa i was with him, he was still important to me, i dont think somebody just stop being, i do not.
i get obsessed with it, and i cant not look at, becaus i HAVE to know, and i HAVE to search some cheating of his. because i know he has. i need to know if he loves her for fact, and i know that no, because he was with others. one day i am reading and he is on, talking to a girl (who is a bitch and always had feeling for him, even though she has a bf) gosh i’m so angry. anyway, he was drunk and talked about having sex with her, to the girlfriend from nyc and what was sex like with his other ex. i found out after that, that in this day he had seen the other girl from our town naked. i am not gonna say if they had sex because that i dont know.
in the end i got so jealousy, and freaked out. i had deleted him from facebook and he promised to never add me again. i find one message that proved he cheated on me. after we broke up, he went to cry to his friend, and his friend told him “you cheated on her a several time” and he said “thats why it sucks” “you cant even blame her” “i know that”. i went him, to tell him. i wasnt in a fighting atitude, i called him like it was gonna be the last time we would be speaking again, very sad. when i told him, he laughed like “the drama is for THAT?” i felt so humilated, i wanted apologizes, and truths. in the end i called him again in the same day and said how andry i was, and he as a jerk, saind “why are you calling me them?” i stop going after him after that. i was fine, until some friend come tell me if i had seen the picture. he posted a picture with teh girl from our town, i htink he broke up with the one from nyc. i went out one day and a found him. i never got so drunk and terrible. i humilated myself AGAIN. when he was away from her, he hold me and said “not even hello” i, drunk, said “past is past” so stupi. in the next day he came texting if i was alive (he always asks this) we had this big fight, when i said a lot of things, of a cowrad he is, he said that none of this is my bussnes (which isnt but i cant stop thinking of what hes done to me). well, they are boyfriend and girlfriend now, which hurts because we took several months to officilize or relationship. i also saw on his facebook him posting somewhere only we know, and she liking it. which was our song. we used to sung for each other, i find it hard not to remeber someone when it’s THEIR song. my causin was kind of shocked when i told him that. it kills me. he started texting me again. my friend went abroad and he asked me where to, i responded the country. than he tried to start a conversation, i only ignored. he texted me 4am telling he needs to speak with me, very much and added me on facebook i ignored. in the other day he sends me more texts, of sad face and stuffes, ii ignroed. he stopes, and i am so curious I need to know. i send him a text asking what he wants. in this moment i think i am really over and i can handle this. he says he is sorry, he did cheated on me. once. i dont beleive this. its a lie. he had to cheated on me more times, his friend wouldnt say what he said if it werent that many!!!!! i didnt forgave him. in fact i told him he was doing that because i didnt mean anything, he had nothing to lose by telling me the truth, but to his girlfriend that he has, he wouldnt say anything. it was a long conversation, me writing long texts he doesnt. in the end i decided to be tough. he says he thinks we can talk (which means i can come over and speak to you when i dont have anybody else to or that i just want you to be on me again)(i actually made everything private on my facebook profile, because created an ask profile and some bad questions came over) and he wants me well even though everything (WHHAAT? i never harmed you boy! i dedicated to you, our relationship and after!!!) he says he thinks we can talk, i replied “good for you :)” and blocked him. he came talking over skype, i deleted him. in the other day i realize i didnt even deserved i phone call!! he apologized over text message!! come on. it was all about him. he needed the apologies, for him. if he had ever thought about me, he would not have waited so long, he wouldnt have laughed.
but i am so stupid and i called him in the other day! (he didnt answer uhul) i am feeling so vulnerable. thinking of how he suported me, and helped, and that i need that, i miss the hugs. i just want to say to his girlfriend what he has done. but i also hate him for all the pain he has cause me. i wish i could still talk to him, but i dont beleive in a word he says, i dont wanna feel what i felt like those days. i dont want him to be with somebody because he doesnt desever to be very happy. he takes this girl out all the time, something i wanted. he doest drink anymore. he postes pictires on facebook all the time. somthing i always felt like he didnt want (its not like wveryday on new picture) but i think i am holding on the things i wanted it to be like, and not what they were actually. he said he really loved me in the last covnersation, i dont know if he can love another person other tahn himself. but it kills me to know that he might love this new and be the one i wanted (he lost weight AHH and with me? noooo) in the other day idisblocked him on whatsapp and i though that he has blocked me in fact, i am not sure, but his resquest on facebook has gone, so perhaps. the though of never talking again. i dont know, there must be somthing worng. i know i need somebody BUT IT IS NOT easy, i took so long to find him. i know, the moment i stop thinking of him, i will let myself find somebody else.